What is Shame?

What is shame? How do we differentiate shame from humiliation, guilt, and embarrassment? What do you call that feeling when you walk into a room and someone points out that your zipper is down? What about that feeling when you lied about being sick because you just didn’t want to go to that birthday party? What about that feeling when you know you are stupid?

These are examples of classic feelings relating to guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, and shame. We typically use these words interchangeably as a catch all but the truth is they are quite distinct. More importantly by better understanding where these thoughts and feeling originate we can help to stop the cycle of shame and doubt. Shame is not a helpful or healthy emotion in fact it is quite the opposite, but first lets get a better understanding as to the differences between the terms.

I must give credit to the shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown who has published several works on shame, courage, vulnerability, and leadership. Her books are truly phenomenal and for anyone who is at all intrigued by this article I strongly encourage you to check out her work.

Embarrassment, is the first emotion that Dr. Brene Brown discusses in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). Dr. Brown identifies embarrassment as the least powerful of the emotions discussed above. Think about the idea of walking out with your zipper down or something similar. We have all had these situations and they are uncomfortable. The difference is that the feeling is typically short lived. You likely will have move passed the incident before the night is over. Embarrassment is something we all deal with which is why it is more acceptable. We are able to recognize it as a normal emotion and something that we all go through. The normalization helps the feeling to pass as we realize that we are in good company.

Humiliation is the next emotion that we will be discussing. Humiliation is something that individuals do not identify as right but rather an unjustified attack. Humiliation might be getting bullied in school, put down by a parent, or in some way attacked. The problem is that repeated humiliation can cause permanent damage. Consider a parent who repeatedly tells their child “you’re bad”. Rather than telling the child that they have done something bad the parent tells the child “you’re bad”. This language when repeated can become so ingrained in the child that they will tell others I am a bad kid. This point when the child moves from seeing the comment as harsh to believing it is when we move from humiliation to shame.

Guilt operates in a similar nature to humiliation. Dr. Brene Brown writes, “Guilt is holding an action or behavior up against our ethics, values, and beliefs.” What she means by this is that when you review an action you have taken and it does not align with your belief system, guilt can result. Have you ever had that experience when you were taking a test and look up only to see the answer on someone else’s page? Your intentions may have been to simply stretch or look at the clock but you can’t un-see the answer. Often times a situation like this results in guilt. Much like how humiliation can transition into shame so can guilt. If you were to take that accidental glance and internalize feelings of “I’m a cheat”…”I could have never passed it on my own”…”I am a terrible person”, then we stem into shame.

Shame is not about an action but rather about who we are as a person. Shame can be dangerous because we have a belief that the feeling is not a feeling it is a reflection of who we are as a person. If I believe deep down that I am selfish, unintelligent, or bad then I will likely act on this core belief. The little boy who believes that he is bad is more likely to act out than the little boy who believes that he is good even if they were behaviorally equivalent all along. Shame leaves people feeling alone and detached something most are not able to stand. That desperate need to be recognized and receive validation can be destructive as individuals will do just about anything to feel a sense of connection. Dr. Brown writes, “Recognizing we’ve made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake.”

Shame is not a productive emotion. Shame is a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways. We know what shame is but we still struggle to control the emotion. Part of that is that shame doesn’t come from one place or one person. Think about all the different facets of your life. Body image, work, school, family, religion, culture, food, community…and I could go on. All of these intersections in our lives contribute to our shame monologue. When we start to internalize that language, we end up beating ourselves up emotionally as we put ourselves down. The reaction to this internal emotional warfare is either imploding or exploding. Neither of which are healthy.

A lot of what needs to be done is identifying some of the themes or areas in which you struggle. How can we take a step back and analyze this from an impartial lens? Getting that perspective will help you to be kind and supportive to yourself. Much like anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses identifying that the logic is flawed is half the battle. If you feel like you are struggling with issues related to shame and feel that it is impacting your life consider talking with someone.